Empathy vs. Codependency: Know the Difference

Codependent relationship patterns + 3 things you can do to reframe them:

Empathy is an ability to share someone else’s feelings deeply, imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s narrative/situation. Being empathetic allows us to connect with the feelings of others, and leads to authentic, vulnerable relationships. 

Codependency is when the emotions and feelings of others supersede and replace our own feelings. Codependency causes us to prioritize the needs of others, sometimes in hypervigilance, or when we assign feelings to them without them communicating needs to us. At the root of codependency is responding automatically to others’ real or imagined needs, while denying our own needs.

These patterns might be evident in family relationships (between yourself, family members), friendships (peers), workplace (professional), and romantic (partner, significant others). Codependency within relationships can look like: 

• Neglecting other responsibilities and relationships to respond to demands of others 
• Never talking about problems that exist within the familial or friendship behaviors
• Investing a lot of energy and time into caring for a partner with an alcohol or substance abuse problem
• Making excuses or covering for the other person’s bad behavior
• Neglecting self-care, work, or other relationships to care for others
• Trouble making decisions — where to live, whether to pursue a new career, when to spend time with friends — because you worry your choices might be in conflict with the other person

If some of these patterns resonate with you, here are three things that you can do to reframe the circumstances, and build your own self-awareness.

1. Become president of your own fan club. Learn to speak kindly, lovingly, and positively to yourself. Work to resist the inclination to self-criticize.
2. Take small steps towards some separation in the relationship. Seek activities outside of the relationship and invest in new friendships. Focus on figuring out the things that make you who you are, and then expand upon them. 
3. When tempted to think or worry about someone else, actively turn your attention inward. This takes practice, so be kind to yourself along the way.

Be encouraged. You can break the pattern of codependency within your relationships.