Finding Balance: Navigating Boundaries without Over-Explaining

Today we’re talking about communication and the pattern of over-explaining things. It sounds innocent, doesn’t it? Over-explaining things. But, let’s unpack it a bit. 

Over-explaining is also referred to as a ‘fawning’, it happens in dynamics where there are people pleasing tendencies, or conditioned responses to deny the expression of feelings, thoughts, and needs. It falls within the people-pleasing category. These patterns are often learned early on in life from those they depend on for survival. This conditioning leads to feelings that their self-worth must be extracted from those around them in a never-ending quest to feel ‘okay’, accepted, valued, and loved. 

Appeasing the other person feels in the moment like the easiest thing to do, the best way to move past the conflict or perceived conflict into agreement. However, when you begin working to break free from codependency, setting healthy boundaries is an opportunity to also trust yourself. This process begins to build your own confidence, and self-esteem. Working to overcome over-explaining yourself can also feel like a big shift. 

When you work to break free from codependency, and begin setting healthy boundaries, something as simple as over-explaining yourself can become a barrier to receiving the confidence, esteem, and self trust you need in this process. 

As you start to pay more attention to your patterns in life, take note of who you are over explaining yourself to. It may feel like you are helping them understand the situation better— when in reality, you are dependent on their approval. This leaves feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and guilt. You may never get the approval you’re seeking. And hear me when I say this – it is okay!

Let’s say you decided that this Labor Day you will be visiting with friends out of state. You called your mother to give her the heads up that you wouldn’t be home for the family day at the lake. As the conversation progressed, you realized that you were overly explaining yourself. You begin to go into great detail about how you never get away like this, why you really need this trip because work has been so stressful, and how you promise to make it up to her in some other way when you return. It leaves you feeling sad that you disappointed your mom, and you consider changing your plans, even though you are really looking forward to visiting your friends and you need a weekend away. 

Here is another way that conversation could go–

• “Mom, this year I am planning to visit with some friends for Labor Day. I won’t be able to attend the family gathering.” 
• If Mom says she’s disappointed, respond with “I understand you’re disappointed.”
• Remain kind and clear, offer an alternative if you would like: “I leave on Friday and return on Monday, I’d love to see you then.”

Or perhaps you see this pattern in other ways, such as–

• Not speaking up about your preferences for things like where to eat lunch, or when it’s  the best time for an activity to take place

Next time you’re given an opportunity, practice something like this:

• “I’m available between 11am and 1pm for lunch. I’d like to go to a place where I can get a good burger. How does that sound to you?”

Remember, how others respond to your boundary isn’t about you. It also is not your responsibility to manage their feelings about the boundary.