11 Signs You Are A People Pleaser

People pleasing can be a way to cope with conflict, by believing that agreeing is in fact diffusing conflict. However, this is often not the case. People pleasing is a pattern of behavior that often causes us to put the feelings and needs of others over ourselves, and even use other people’s reactions to determine whether or not the decision we have made is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. This perpetuates a pattern of behavior that leads to second-guessing ourselves and even expressing our emotions. 

Here are some ways to reflect on how people-pleasing might be subtle in your own life. Let’s unpack it. 

Are you a people pleaser? What’s the difference between a people pleaser and someone who wants to help? How do I know if I am overly kind and gracious, or being taken advantage of? Why do I feel so exhausted and “used” by others? 

Here are some common ways of feeling burned out by people pleasing:

• I feel guilty taking care of myself. 
• I feel guilty about succeeding or accomplishments. 
• I get easily discouraged and overwhelmed. 
• I tend to remain quiet about my inner suffering and point the attention back onto others.
• I have poor boundaries. 
• I am often reactive and later consumed with shame.
• I don’t know who I am without others needing me.
• I don’t trust myself, and I don’t trust anyone else. 
• It is hard for me to know what my own needs and wants are.
• I defend or justify others’ mistreatment of me because it’s easier than admitting there is an issue to address. 
• I don’t know how to feel my feelings so I focus on other people’s feelings instead. 

The good news is, if you learned this behavior, you can unlearn it!

Here are a few tips to get started:

• Remind yourself you can say ‘no’. If you’re uncomfortable saying ‘no’ straight away, try this: I need some time to think about it. I will get back to you with an answer tomorrow.
• Remind yourself that you cannot be ‘everything’ to ‘everyone’. It is okay to have different priorities than what is being asked of you.
• Start small. Practice saying no, taking a minute to reflect on what you’re committing to, and remembering that you might have different priorities than the people in your life. 

Tell me, do you think you’re a people pleaser?