Discovering Boundaries: A Key to Personal Growth

Boundaries are the rules, invisible walls or fences that divide people and keep the physical, emotional, and mental elements of life separate from those of the others around you.

Boundaries are also the rules by which we let people know what we will accept and what we do not accept. When we fail to set boundaries for ourselves, we automatically and by default allow others to set those boundaries. We also open ourselves up to having to deal continually with irrational and unreasonable expectations by those willing to take more than their fair share. 

Walls keep everyone out. Boundaries show people where the door is.

When you set a boundary with someone, it might impact the way that they are able to participate in the milestones in your life. Perhaps missing out on a birthday celebration, milestones of your children, or big life events such as weddings and graduations. This is hard. 

In those in-between moments leading up to that big milestone thing, it is easy to become consumed by guilt. Your early programming (conditioning) may cause you to think that you have overreacted, are being selfish, or are unfair. It may even have you feeling pressured to fix things so that they don’t miss out. You might even feel pressure from other people like family members who want you to make an accommodation for that boundary. There might be some additional pressure to make things “right”.

If people pleasing is a familiar feeling if you have been conditioned to perform, or keep the peace, listen to me when I say: this is not your job. It never was your job. You are not responsible for the behaviors of others that led to the boundary setting in the first place. 

It is important to remember that if you have set a boundary with someone, it is because you need safety, to create peace for yourself, and are no longer allowing yourself to live worried or responsible for trying to manage how other people act. 

It is important to keep in mind that the reason that person is missing out on this milestone event isn’t because of your boundary. It is because of their choices, actions, words, and behavior.

Remember – part of the work that you’re doing is also learning to sit in the discomfort, allowing those you love and care for to miss out on things that matter to both of you. It’s okay to feel sad, disappointed, and frustrated. Remember to look at the long-term picture and bigger concepts that you’re seeking within relationships. Things like: respect, accountability, safety, encouragement, peace. These are all things that you deserve, and they are things that the other people in your life deserve. It takes grit to not fall back into the old patterns of accommodating the other person to the point of your own detriment. Honor that you’re making changes, honor that you’re intentionally engaging in this hard work to not fall back into your old patterns.

And remember – if they are ready and willing to do the work, then the boundary can adjust. 

Be encouraged, you’ve got this!